Journal 34

I am Tess Tyler. But i am also many other things. I am complex, and i am still trying to find out for myself who i really am. It's hard to find yourself though, when everyone is trying to tell you who you are, or trying to bind you in a box where you're only allowed to be a certain character. Thats why i hate cliques. I want to be who i want to be, not who others think i seem to be, or who they want me to me, or even who they think i am. I want to be who i am, and that's all. It's hard to describe oneself sometimes, rather than describe who you think others think you are. So i'm just going to say who i am, from my point of view. I like to be wanted, and i like to talk to people. I like finding out about them, discovering who they are. Deep conversations are my favorite to have because they can change you. I like feeling close to others, but also being close to myself at the same time. I am reserved. I don't like to advertise what's going on with me all the time, and i think that is perfectly heathy to do. Somethings are better off done with only yourself. I like to laugh, like everyone else, but it means a lot to me when i do. Genuine laughing is probably one of my most favorite things in the entire world, to be honest. I like connecting with people and finding out things we have in common. Sharing feelings and likes and other thigns with someone else is really meaningful to me--i don't take it lightly. I like friendship, though my truest friends are my sisters, and no one else. True friendship is something that is so hard to come by. Everyone somtimes is only looking out for themselves, and i'm not that kind of person. I care about other people. I really do. I'm not just saying that to sound like a saint or something. I actually really do care. Another thing that's important to me is uniqueness. I love it. I am a writer. It's my own personal escape, and i don't show people my writing--only my sister. Its somethign i do because i want to leave a mark, and someday people will be able to read my things, and i'll be able to share something with them that is reallly important to me. My writing is one of my dearest thigns, and i really want to share it with people somday. This blog is not long enough to fully describe myself. There is so much more to me than what is here.

Journal 33

How do i reduce stress and recconect with my myself? Personally, i like to go outside and read a book. This, of course, can only be done when it's warm outside, and when it isn't, i curl up in my favorite chair down stairs and read a good book. But overall, being outside is my favorite way to relax. I like the feeling of openess, and with a good book to read, you can be comfortable mentally and physically. Sometimes in order to reduce stress and recconect with oneself, it's good to get 'away' from oneself first. When you're reading, you can escape for a little while and take a 'back seat' to everything around you. It lets you calm down and forget about whats happening around you for a little while. And it lasts as long as you have enough pages to cosume your time. Another thing i like to do when i'm stressed is sit back and watch a good movie. I usually pick a comedy, something that will cheer me up and make me laugh, or sometimes a movie i used to watch when i was little so i can bring the memories back. I always enjoy watching a good 'kid movie' once in a while because i realize that when i was young it was the best thing ever, and it's fun to think about how it made me feel. It's good to poke the embers of memory once in a while. It makes you think of the happy times you had before. My favorite are from wheni was a kid, mainly because i always remember everything being so fun. You know how it is--everything is part of the giant playground that is your life. I like thinking about that. Being with my little sisters also hepls me reconnect too. They remind me when i was young, but also allow me to accept my new role as older sister--time to grow up. But it's fun. Being with them is a perfect way to reconnect with myself. It helps me trasition.

Journal 31

"Did you hear about what Cindy did yesterday?"  "No," I began, "What happened?" My friend looked at me  saddly, "She went on a date with someone's boyfriend. Secretly. Apparently they've been talking for weeks now." I shrugged. What did it matter to me? I mean, i know Cindy, and i feel bad for the poor girl who was cheated on, but it happens. "Thats too bad," i started, but her concerned look stopped me mid sentence. My face flushed red, and i felt a deep chill in my gut, like a knife piercing through my body. My hands rounded into fists suddenly, almost without my will, and i leaned forward toward my friend, my eyes wide with terror. "Who'd boyfriend?" I asked icily. Her eyes flashed away from me, and she looked across the room, pretending to be concerned with something else. "Hey!" my voice jabbed at her sharply, and she jumped, then turned to me. Her eyes met mine. "Your boyfriend." She said remorsfully. "I just found out today. It's been going around. Everyone is talking about it. It's terrible! I'm so sorry." I pressed my lips together and sat back in my seat. My hands loosened from their fists and came to rest in my lap, looking up at me, hopeless. A deep pain settled into me. It hurt. worse than anything i'd ever felt before. Is it supposed to hurt this bad? Is this what i feels like? After moments of complete silence, my lips parted, and i choked on my words. I tried again. "Who told you that?"  Her glance was guilty. "I heard it from Jane," she started, but i interupted her "--You know Jane isn't a reliable source!" "I know! But she herad it from Mark!" "So?!" "So mark is Jack's friend, whos a friend to Teressa, who's frinds with Sam who's frinds with your boyfriend!"  "what if they were joking around?!"  "Why would they do that?" "To break you guys up! They know how much time you spend together!
'

Journal 32

Revolutionize. I like that world. It seems really futuristic and whenever i hear it i think of new and better things. How to revolutionize the way people think or do things? That's a tricky one. Personaly, it makes me feel good, especially if someone has been doing something 'the hard way' or has struggled with getting a tast done efficiantly. You just can't beat the feeling you get when you tell someone "here, try it THIS way," and then they do and their eyes light up and they say "i never thought of doing it this way!" or "i never knew!". It's just really great. Helping and teaching others better methods of getting things done is rewarding because you know you are impacting their life and possibly making it better. For example, if a student has only been taught one way to do math, and then a new teacher comes in and says "heres and easier way to do that," it changes everything for the student. They might understand it better, and save time. They might even grasp the concept extremely well and end up being really good at it! I think that teaching is the same thing as revolutionizing, but only if the teacher is teaching the student something new and better. I've learned lots of things from teachers that have made my life easier. Learning different ways to do math equations from Mr. Brian is an example. Or when Miss. Radliff taught my freshman history class about livebinders( a program on the internet that allows you to store websites for research projects). Livebinders, for example, is something i STILL use today and my researching has gotten SO MUCH better. But then, last year Mr. langley taught my speech class about and even BETTER website called Digo that you can use on google chrome. It does even more and again 'upped' the way that i research. Before any of these programs i used to write the websites down by hand and had to always go back to them. Revolutionizing technology is probably the most important way to revolutionize anything.

Journal 30

"You can't go in there," someone grumbled. I turned swiftly to face the person who'd spoken, my eyes furrowing in anger. "Well why not?" i asked, looking at the young boy who was now facing me, a deep scowl set on his face. He crossed his thin arms, stuck one foot toward me threateningly, and pointed at the cafe before me. "It's just how it is," he spat, and i backed up aprehensivly. "They don't let brunettes in there. The sign says so." He jabbed a thumb at the cafe window where a bold, neon sign notified customers that only people of red, blond, and black hair were allowed inside. My face turned red with embarrasment, and i felt my hands twitch at my side. My eyes stung with fury, blinkinng with surprize,  and my voice came out as a thin, strangled sob, "Oh, i'm sorry....i didn't know." I kept my eyes locked on the sign, the pure injustice of it slapping me in the face like a stinging switch. I ran a trembling hand over the doornob of the wide, inviting threshold of the cafe, and sighed with remorse. "When did they make this?" i inquired, feeling a deep hurt settle sickingly in my gut. The boy laughed cruely and leaned up next to me, his elbow flush against the cafe window, parallel to the infuriating sign. "Just the other day," he began, as i moved away from him. "Boss just broke up with his girlfriend. She was a brunette. He decided he never wanted to see another one again. Said they were all heartbreaking idiots. Put up the sign in the window. I pained it for him." He observed his hands like they'd done a work of God. I wasn't paying attention. My eyes were focoused on the group of firends i was supposed to meet inside. They were all gathered at our table in the back, smiling, laughing, waiting for me...i hoped. My eyes, unkown to the meaningless difference, observed how their hair glinted with shades of blonde, streaks of red, dark black like the embers of a fire. They were so..happy. Jokingly, as my blonde haired friend got up, i caught my black haired friend, Jacob, grab the jar of salt and gingerly sprinkle a copious ammount into her pepsi filled glass.When she came back and took a sip, her face erupted in anger, and then she laughed, slapping him in the arm playfully, her white smile flashing in the light.  I wouldn't beable to enjoy this fun. I was on the outside. unwelcomed. Unwanted. Not equal. My civil rights were completely gone.